The high point in my life and the major turning point in my life are one and the same and, ironically, occurred at the lowest point in my life. Twenty five years ago, after a lifetime of abuse and abandonment, constant fear, deep shame, and an all consuming self-hatred, I finally came to know true love.

Yes, a man came into my life. A man who swept me off my feet and lifted me up. A man who accepted me just as I am with all my flaws and fears and failures…and sins. A man whose love is truly and unreservedly unconditional and never-ending. A man who set my heart on fire, and my soul free.

Yes. It was Jesus. He rescued me when I was at the uttermost rock bottom of my life. I had no home, no job, and despite many desperate attempts to find love – no significant other. I spent weeks curled up in the fetal position on a bed in my sister’s apartment crying. I felt utterly powerless and completely alone. 

I’d spent years trying to find healing and wholeness through new age practices, books on Jungian psychology, counselling and therapy, college training, and searching for the perfect job. I read countless self-help books about the importance of loving yourself, but each one left me feeling angry and frustrated because they never told you how to do it! Nothing I tried worked. Nothing filled the empty sucking void inside of me.

At the age of 46, I had come to the end of my own wisdom and my own strength – and self reliance. I was baffled and didn’t know how to go forward. As I lay there curled up in a ball in the depths of despair, I did the only thing left for me to do. I began to cry out to God for help. I told Him, “I don’t know what to do, I’ve tried everything.”

Gradually I emerged from my cocoon of hopelessness. I joined Alanon and then started attending Codependents Anonymous meetings. I learned the 12 Steps of AA and began to follow the program and work through the Steps one at a time focussing especially on Step Three, turning my will and my life over to the care of God. I prayed every day, sometimes just “Help me,” every morning and “Thank You,” every night.  I soon began to notice that when I prayed for help and for what I needed, my prayers were being answered. God had heard me!

My life did not change immediately. I still suffered with anxiety and self-hatred, and continued to make the same mistakes over and over again, but because of the encouragement I was receiving as a result of my prayers, I kept plodding on. And gradually I became more and more aware of the presence of God with me and around me. 

One day I went out for a walk after a winter storm had just moved on. As I circled the field, I was captivated by the beauty of a line of clouds sweeping along the ridge of mountains on the west side of the Cowichan Valley. The clouds were dragging brilliant white trails of hail across the mountainsides which gave the impression of angels flying along in a procession with their trains touching down on the earth. The sun was beginning to set and so there was a slight pink hue on some of them. The spectacle took my breath away and I stopped in my tracks and exclaimed, “Oh God! Your creation is so magnificent!” 

And as I stood there in awe on that wide open field I heard a response: “Are you not one of My creations?” I fell down on my knees and started to cry. As small and shameful and wretched as I felt I was, God was telling me that, as one of His creations, I was magnificent too. 

While working through Step 2, “Came to believe that power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity,” I began attending a local church, where four months later I came to know the love of Christ, which the Bible says is so great it surpasses knowledge. It happened in the midst of a large group of 30-40 bikers who came to speak to us one Sunday. They belonged to The Christian Motorcycle Association. 

A couple of the men got up and shared about themselves and their ministry, and one of them gave a short sermon. He recited a couple of verses from the Bible, Romans 10:9-10: “…if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved,” which he called the TNT of the Bible. Those words were TNT to my heart and soul! Something began to happen inside me as he spoke. I suddenly had an awareness of the Spirit of God moving among us – and in me! Then he invited us all to pray with him telling us to close our eyes and bow our heads, and to raise our right hands in the air if we wanted to know Jesus. I didn’t want to do it. I wanted to know Jesus but I didn’t want anyone to see me raise my hand. Shame was still holding me back. But the preacher reminded us that everybody’s eyes were closed, and so I slowly raised my hand. 

He had us repeat after him an invitation to Jesus to come into our lives. And as I said those words, intense heat – and what felt like love – started to flow down through my arm and spread through my body, penetrating into my heart which felt like it was about to burst. For the first time in my life I felt truly and profoundly loved. I wept uncontrollably, out of joy and wonder. And I knew in that moment that Jesus is alive! I’d always wondered how those church people around me could worship a guy who died on a cross 2,000 years ago but now I understood, and all I wanted to do was worship Him too.  

The love that poured down on me and into me that day has never left me. It has sustained me through all the trials and tribulations I’ve experienced in the past twenty five years – and there have been many. It has healed me and held me and comforted me and guided me throughout a long and wonderful journey of letting go of the past and learning to walk with Jesus, trusting Him in every circumstance. 

He lifted me up, and has never let me down.

Psalm 40: 1-3

I waited patiently for the Lord;
    he inclined to me and heard my cry.
He drew me up from the pit of destruction,
    out of the miry bog,
and set my feet upon a rock,
    making my steps secure.
He put a new song in my mouth,
    a song of praise to our God.